Rob Ford probably didn’t want to spend his 44th birthday dodging the media, walking past vacant desks where trusted advisors once sat and contemplating that more than 8,000 people donated over $2o0,000 for the chance to see a video that (allegedly) shows him smoking crack. To mark the occasion, we picked 10 gifts we think Ford would like this year. Happy Birthday, Rob!
10. A new football coaching gig—preferably one with an equally cool varsity jacket.
9. Solid evidence of Adam Vaughan doing something illegal. With Karen Stintz. And probably Olivia Chow, too.
8. More staffers over the age of 30.
7. For the Toronto Star’s servers to all simultaneously crash.
6. And Gawker’s.
5. Really, he needs the trash icon for the entire Internet.
4. A return to the good old days, when his biggest problem was a judge ordering him out of office.
3. A big bag of crack. (Even if he didn’t do it before, he’d probably like to now.)
1. For everyone to leave him alone for just one day.