This week’s episode pairs stodgy classical wedding ceremonies from 29-year-old Rafela and 35-year-old Samantha (who the producers portray as an infant trapped in a grown woman’s body) with cultural unions, like 28-year-old Huria’s Afghani celebration and 27-year-old Jessica’s Jewish-Indian ceremony. Some of the brides are culturally insensitive, but the narrator breaks the tension with one of his now-classic sex jokes. Find out who is a stone-cold bitch and who is allegedly “getting stuffed” in our TV brief after the jump.
Sam hates kids at weddings. She hates them. Despite this, she acts like a child herself, stating ad nauseam that her day is about her (um, duh, it’s your wedding). Truth be told, she doesn’t like a lot of things. She’s “not a big fan of [Rafela’s], like, big centrepieces,” and she actually says she doesn’t like mermaids. Not mermaid-style gowns, but mermaids: “Even though I’m not a big fan of mermaids, it was good.” She’s too adorably oblivious to be bitchy, but she does manage to make an incredibly stupid comment about the speeches at Huria’s Muslim ceremony: “I felt like I was at a conference, and not at a wedding.” We’re sorry that someone else’s traditions aren’t entertaining enough for you, Samantha.
The dumb comments don’t stop with Samantha (thank goodness). Huria clearly enjoys complaining, like when she kvetches about the heat at every outdoor wedding (if this were her wedding, she’d simply turn the sun off) or when she complains about waiting for Samantha’s ceremony to begin, saying “[Samantha’s] dress better be worth it.” Worth what? Your attendance? Huria’s a stone-cold bitch, and she knows it. She “just tune[s] out” at Samantha’s ceremony when her lovely fiancé decides to serenade her (aw!). And Rafela’s impressive samba dancers aren’t enough for her either: “I thought the samba dancers were borderline tacky. If you want to see something like that, go to a show.”
Jessica is a wedding planner, which seems a little unfair for a competition like this, but we forgive her because she reminds us of Parks and Recreation’s Aubrey Plaza. She is deadpan, saying things like “it was nice to have the shots” and “Everything was kind of okay.” Her commentary could be more interesting, but the delivery is fantastic. Of course, her wedding is incredible—the food is plentiful and everyone overeats, which leads to grumblings about being stuffed. With a quick pan to Jessica and her new husband, the narrator suggests that the reality show guests aren’t the only ones getting stuffed tonight. A lowbrow joke, perhaps, but necessary considering how awful most of these brides have been.
Rafela’s wedding proves that shockingly high budget ($70,000!) does not always equal a perfect wedding day. Rafela decides to have “bling” everywhere (who still says things like this?) and Tiffany boxes filled with chocolate—although perhaps more money should have been spent finding a caterer who actually cooks chicken all the way through although perhaps less money should have been spent on their decor, because no one seemed particularly impressed with the food. While Jessica provides a welcome break from the idiocy of the other brides, leave it to Rafela to bring the bitchiness back by openly criticizing Huria’s traditions: “I don’t think anyone knew what was going on.” You’re right, Rafela; neither Huria and her husband’s families knew what was going on at this Muslim ceremony. If this painful cultural insensitivity isn’t enough, she even criticizes Samantha’s first dance, saying that her long train ruined the moment (what?).
For complaining about everything (everything!) and for making a distinction between the colours “berry” and “pink,” we name Huria this week’s Head Bitch in Ceremony.
(Oh, and Jessica won the honeymoon.)
Correction: We previously attributed uncooked chicken to Rafela’s wedding, but it was actually at Samantha’s. We regret the error.