CNE Snacks 2013: we try bacon milkshakes, chocolate-covered franks and more at this year’s culinary freak show

We thought last year’s CNE fat-fest was bacon-centric, but this summer’s rendition reveals new levels of porcine depravity: salt-cured pig is pulled, pulverized, crumbled, batter-encased and stacked into teetering towers of meaty extravagance. Hog, however, isn’t the only ingredient employed in utter excess. Also on offer: a battery of Nutella-shellacked snacks, including deep-fried bananas, oddly delicious jalapeño poppers and, for the truly intrepid, the ghastly marshmallow-studded Smore-Weenie. Here, a rundown on eight of the most absurdly gluttonous hits and misses, along with readouts from our finely calibrated regret-o-metre.

Name: Triple Threat
What is it? A five-ounce prime rib patty topped with pulled pork, back bacon and cheddar cheese on an ACE Bakery bun
Where to get it: The Gourmet Grill
Tastes like: A fairly typical cheeseburger with a smoky Southern barbecue tang—and by far the best of the three monster-macs we sampled
Price: $10
Regret-o-meter: 3/10

Name Spice Cream Cone
What is it? A Nutella-smeared pizza dough cone topped with vanilla soft serve, bacon bits and chili flakes
Where to get it: Just Cone It
Tastes like: A palate-walloping, but not entirely unpleasant, mix of sweet, spice and salt. The only downside: the chewy, cardboard cone
Price: $7.50
Regret-o-meter: 4/10

Name: Canuck Burger
What is it? An all-pork patty topped with bacon strips, bacon bits, bacon mayo, peameal bacon and cheddar cheese
Where to get it: Bacon Nation
Tastes like: A ham-and-cheese sandwich on ’roids
Price: $11 (or $33 as part of the Notorious P.I.G. combo platter, which satisfies your caloric requirements for a week)
Regret-o-meter: 5/10

Name: Peanut Butter and Bacon Milkshake
What is it? A peanut butter milkshake topped with bacon bits and a crisp bacon garnish
Where to get it: Bacon Nation
Tastes like: A standard vanilla milkshake with vaguely nutty undertones and the odd salt-punch from a soggy bacon morsel
Price: $6
Regret-o-meter: 7/10

Name: Smore-Weenie
What is it? A chocolate-dipped chicken dog rolled in graham cracker crumbs and mini marshmallows
Where to get it: Maple Lodge Farms
Tastes like: S’mores, with eyes closed tightly (although the springy chicken-dog texture is difficult to ignore)
Price: $6
Regret-o-meter: 4

Name: Jalapop
What is it? A deep-fried, cream cheese–stuffed jalapeno popper drizzled with Nutella
Where to get it: Spread Nutellerie
Tastes like: A pleasantly surprising upgrade on the sports bar snack with mild spice and a nutty finish
Price: $7.05
Regret-o-meter: 1

Name: Bananza
What is it? Deep-fried, tempura-battered bananas topped with Nutella, peanut butter, marshmallows, strawberries and icing sugar
Where to get it: Spread Nutellerie
Tastes like: A glorious, tasty mess (and thankfully devoid of animal flesh)
Price: $9.75
Regret-o-meter: 2

Name: The Cronut Burger
What is it? A cheeseburger encased in a cinnamon-sugar cronut from Le Dolci Bakery and topped with maple-bacon jam. The one we tried looked nothing like the enticingly flaky prototype that went viral earlier in the month
Where to get it: Epic Burgers (the stall that invented the Krispy Kreme Burger)
Tastes like: A sickly sweet mistake
Price: $10
Regret-o-meter: 10