Don’t know a mulligan from a mashie-niblick? Neither do we. But we asked, and though golf gurus have zero patience for wannabes, we were pushy. Here, the basics of what you need to know if you’re going to learn how to play (or at least learn how to pass), including the top local courses, five serious breaches of etiquette, and how not to dress like a dork.

ANGUS GLEN GOLF CLUB (PUBLIC)
Best for: Masochists.
The gist: Owner Arthur Stollery (yes, of Stollery’s) converted his treasured Angus cattle farm into a course in 1995.
Claim to fame: A city course that really can call itself championship. Most recently, it hosted the 2007 Canadian Open.
Talk the talk: The North 18 (7,312 yards, par 72) melds peaky two-foot fescued dunes with menacing four-foot sod bunkers in true links style; the South course (18 holes, 7,432 yards, par 72) crushes incumbents with its first hole—said to be the toughest in the province—but appeases them thereafter with its lush, rolling terrain and natural valleys.
Who goes: Known for hosting corporate and celebrity tournaments, Angus Glen’s fairways have been trod by such stars as Wayne Gretzky, Michael Douglas and Samuel L. Jackson.
Price: Green fees $100 to $175, cart included.
Where: 10080 Kennedy Rd., Markham, 905-887-0090, www.angusglen.com.

BEACON HALL GOLF CLUB (PRIVATE)
Best for: The impatient.
The gist: An exclusive 18-hole private club in Aurora designed by star American course architect Bob Cupp. It’s perennially ranked among the top 10 in Canada.
Claim to fame: No tee times. With just 241 equity members and 16,000 rounds played each year, Beacon Hall specializes in small groups.
Talk the talk: From the championship tees at 7,003 yards to the 147 slope rating, the par 72 course is a harrowing test for even the best players.
Who goes: Corporate tycoons past and present, and celebs—among them the omni­present Michael Douglas and country outlaw Willie Nelson.
Price: Beacon Hall members own shares and can sell their certificates upon leaving the club.
Where: 400 Beacon Hall Dr., Aurora, 905-841-9122, www.beaconhall.com.

BIGWIN ISLAND (SEMI-PRIVATE)
Best for: The cottage bound.
The gist: A 2001 resurrection of a Lake of Bays island resort. The inn is now gone; the golf course, a redesign of a Stanley Thompson original by Canadian architect Doug Carrick, is now the star attraction.
Claim to fame: During its heyday, it was visited by the likes of Ernest Hemingway and Clark Gable.
Talk the talk: Here, you’ll find two of the best panoramic tee shots in Canada, at the sixth and 18th—so beautiful, you’ll almost forget that you hit your ball into the deep, deep woods or the deep, deep lake.
Who goes: The well-heeled Torontonian cottagers around Lake of Bays, who consider playing golf this far north an expression of their pioneer spirit.
Price: Pay-as-you-play green fees $150 to $190; anywhere from $65,000 to $80,000 for equity membership (the only way to play on weekends in the summer, when the course is closed to non-members).
Where: Bigwin Island, Lake of Bays (ferry leaves from Norway Point), 1-800-840-4036, www.bigwinisland.com.

COBBLE BEACH GOLF LINKS (SEMI-PRIVATE)
Best for: Sybarites.
The gist: Opened in 2007, it was designed by Doug Carrick.
Claim to fame: Sweeping views of Georgian Bay from all 18 holes.
Talk the talk: Fairways are generous, but the greens are tricky, many sloping toward the bay. Pot bunkers add to the difficulty.
Who goes: Business types from across southern Ontario; local cottagers.
Price: Green fees of $85 to $135 include power carts and use of the practice facility.
Where: 343625 Church Side Road E., Owen Sound, 519-370-2173, www.cobblebeach.com.

DEVIL’S PAINTBRUSH (QUIETLY SEMI-PRIVATE)
Best for: Board game enthusiasts.
The gist: A rugged, links-style course on the escarpment; sister of Devil’s Pulpit.
Claim to fame: The clever entrepreneurial minds behind the Trivial Pursuit empire opened this, their second course, in 1992.
Talk the talk: A test even for most low handicappers. (It has the largest sod-wall bunker in the world.)
Who goes: Expect to share with the locals, who out here often wear socks that cost more than most people’s shoes.
Price: It’ll set you back $250 (and you must be sponsored by a member). But what’s money for, if not a round in golfing paradise?
Where: 17151 St. Andrews Rd., Caledon East, 905-584-0155, www.devilspulpit.com.

GEORGIAN BAY CLUB (PRIVATE)
Best for: Fitness buffs.
The gist: A very hilly course, sumptuously set where the Niagara Escarpment runs down into Georgian Bay.
Claim to fame: One of the more spectacular settings for golf in southern Ontario.
Talk the talk: While it may be pretty, it ain’t easy. The par 71 course punishes with its sheer length: 7,100 yards from the tips.
Who goes: Successful capitalists. In June, the club will host the 2008 Ford Wayne Gretzky Classic, a Nationwide Tour event.
Price: About $40,000 initiation, plus a $4,700 annual fee.
Where: 516689 7th Line, Clarksburg, 519-599-9949, www.georgianbayclub.com.