When culture and commerce collide in an orgy of paint-strewn canvases, toothpicked cheese cubes and excessive chin stroking, it can only mean one thing: art fair season—a daunting prospect for even the most seasoned aesthete. Here, a look back at last year’s wildly different fairs, designed to help you navigate this year’s with ease (or at least pretend to).

Toronto International Art Fair

Where: The Metro Toronto Convention Centre, a 100,000-square-foot hangar with all the charm of a big-box store.

Number of artists on offer: 2,000.

The crowd: 18,000 affluent collectors who want to bag a big-name artist to hang above the mantel. Previous buyers have included theatre maven David Mirvish and TV bubbleheads Ben Mulroney and Jeanne Beker.

The party: Michael Kors–clad guests noshed on Indian-themed hors d’oeuvre (veggie samosas, tandoori shrimp) from AGO executive chef Anne Yarymowich. A three-piece jazz trio provided mingling music.

Standout artist: Establishment shutterbug Edward Burtynsky, showing large-scale photographs from his China series.

Highest selling price: A last-day $3-million sale, likely of a striking, oversize Riopelle.

Toronto Alternative Art Fair International

Where: The Gladstone and the Drake, Queen West West’s rabidly faddy art hubs.

Number of artists on offer: 200

The crowd: 5,000 Parkdale bohos who’d sooner exchange bodily fluids in a performance art piece than bag a status symbol. Last year’s attendees included onscreen provocateur Bruce Labruce and lesbian rock chanteuse Carole Pope.

The party: The event (aptly named “Boner” to keep the bourgeois at bay) featured electro-raunch queen Peaches screaming “just remember an ass is an ass, so roll over, have yourself a blast”—the lyrics to her hypersexual anthem about boy-on-boy action, “Two Guys for Every Girl.”

Standout artist: Performance artist Tanya Mars, who tied helium balloons to her skirt, which lifted to reveal she wasn’t wearing panties.

Highest selling price: $14,538 for a four-by-four-foot dangling wire and crystal mobile—a formalist piece by American artist Bill Smith.

Toronto International Art Fair. Nov. 9 to 13. $16. Metro Toronto Convention Centre, South Building, 222 Bremner Blvd., 416-872-1212. Toronto Alternative Art Fair International. Nov. 10 to 12. $7. The Gladstone, 1214 Queen St. W.; and the Drake, 1150 Queen St. W.; 416-537-3814.