A recent cost of living survey ranked Toronto as North America’s second most expensive city, after New York. Not the sort of contest we were striving to win, but we wouldn’t mind placing first once in a while. Here, proof that Toronto is tops at winning the consolation prize.

1. Second best 2008 Olympic bid
Who beat us: Beijing.
Why we’re not number one: Protests by Bread Not Circuses, followed swiftly by Mel Lastman’s famous “pot of boiling water” gaffe, put a gold medal in hosting out of reach.
What we should do about it: Get a new dream. With the five-ring circus going to Van­couver in 2010, Toronto’s chances of hosting the Olym­pics any time soon are up there with Yemen’s.

2. Second most obsessed Facebook community
Who beat us: London.
Why we’re not number one: The British disinclination for human-to-human contact makes maintaining a social life from the comfort of one’s own flat fairly irresistible.
What we should do about it: Support our men in uniform. The cops’ recent crackdown on illegal rub ’n’ tugs is sure to increase demand for getting “poked” on-line.

3. Second tallest free-standing
structure Who beat us: Dubai.
Why we’re not number one: Oil money. It’s hard to best a place that builds islands for the heck of it and throws up five-star hotels like we do Tim Hortons.
What we should do about it: The former world’s largest phallic symbol needs to check its e-mail inbox, where numerous, ahem, enlargement options are just a click and a credit card away.

4. Second swankiest film festival
Who beat us: Cannes.
Why we’re not number one: The French Riviera (think postcard-perfect beaches and butt-floss bikinis) is a tough act to follow. Plus, the natives are better looking.
What we should do about it: Sit back, relax and let global warming do its job. While the Riviera grows hotter than the Kalahari Desert, Toronto will become what balmy Cannes used to be.

5. Second edgiest indie rock scene
Who beat us: Montreal.
Why we’re not number one: Arcade Fire, Chromeo, Wolf Parade, Stars, The Dears, The Stills, The Unicorns—with bands like these (and nods from tastemakers like Spin, Rolling Stone and Pitchfork), Toronto’s doomed to play second fiddle. Or ironic banjo.
What we should do about it: Move to Berlin. The Tories cut arts funding as frequently as Feist trims her bangs.