Interest in pigs as pets surged recently when a crate of orphaned oinkers was dropped at Dalton McGuinty’s office, along with a sign reading “Due to misnaming an influenza ‘Swine Flu,’ our industry has been devastated…” The anonymous piglet abandoner is referring to record losses recently experienced by Ontario’s 2,767 hog farmers. A year ago, pork was the mainstay of every bistro worth its fleur de sel, but H1N1 has curbed our appetite for all things swiney. Unfortunately, city dwellers are barred from taking in the little trotters. Back in the mid-’90s, pigs were the pet par excellence, thanks in part to George Clooney and his pot-bellied companion (RIP Max Clooney, 1988–2006). Yet many Clooney wannabes didn’t account for the fact that their chihuahua-size friend would grow to exceed 150 pounds, relentlessly uproot lawns and pee more often than a kid on a road trip. The rejected pets ended up on foster farms, and in 1998 Toronto’s newly amalgamated Animal Services put the kibosh on domesticated porkers (also banned: anteaters, elephants and mongooses). If a Wilbur to call your own is still too much to resist, it could be time to consider greener pastures. Persons living in any of Toronto’s designated agricultural areas (Riverdale Farm, for example) are free to go hog wild.
• Question from Dave Kimball, Yorkdale
Wondering about the waterfront? Curious about construction? Perplexed by politics? Ask the Urban Decoder a question here.
The secret to Miller’s recent deplumpage is a largely vegetarian diet that basically excludes everything fun and fattening. Like Bill Clinton, who famously gave up Big Macs, Miller was a fast-food junkie. Quarter Pounders with cheese, he says, got him through the 2003 election—and left him pushing 250 pounds. Since then, he’s cut out his daily McD’s fix. In fact, he’s cut out all unhealthy fats and refined sugars. The relentless wine and cheese affairs that come with being mayor require steely willpower, but he resists the call of the canapé by filling up on five protein-rich meals a day (a typical weekday lunch might include chickpea-lentil casserole, plus a handful of almonds). He also now works with a trainer twice a week and runs an average of 12 kilometres three or four times a week. Lately, instead of food, he’s been devouring running books in preparation for a half-marathon on September 27. All told, our lean, mean mayoral machine has shed more than 50 pounds. No doubt a Miller Lite campaign slogan is in the works for 2010, though it’s probably safe to assume “Everything you want in a mayor, and less” won’t make the cut.
The answer, in short, is that it won’t be for long. In April, the provincial government voted to ban all manner of hand-held gadgets behind the wheel, which includes cellphones, PDAs and electronic entertainment devices. Following the announcement of the new bylaw, which will come into effect this fall, Car and Driver magazine released a study that compared the length of time it takes to brake when sober, when texting and when drunk. The results: 0.04 extra seconds before hitting the brakes while drunk, versus 0.68 seconds for a texting driver (at standard highway speeds, this translates to a difference of 66 feet). Such findings are particularly unnerving, given the prevalence of the practice; an American survey found that 25 per cent of motorists admitted to DWT, and the figure leaps to almost 60 per cent for drivers between 16 and 19 years old. Circumstantial evidence further supports the new law: this summer, a Hamilton man ran his car into a median and then a tree while texting. Safe to say he’s not LOLing now.
Ever since Zoe the chihuahua was snatched from her yard in the Beach, the coyote has replaced Walmart as the area’s public enemy number one. To get rid of them humanely, Toronto Animal Services has employed scare tactics—paintball guns and air horns—in nearby ravines, but in the meantime, there’s no need to ban backyard fun: Zoe’s fate isn’t the norm, and unless you’re Mickey Rourke, your child probably isn’t a chihuahua. Generally speaking, coyotes approach human territory only when tempted by a food source, and even then, they aren’t likely to attack . The closest Toronto has come to coyote-human combat was in 2003, when an animal nipped four people in two North York parks. In that case, a local had been feeding the coyote cooked chicken. Understandably, the hungry canine was peeved to discover not all park-goers are packing poultry.
Follow Toronto Life on Twitter, Facebook and via RSS