The accumulated detritus of our TIFF life (Photo by Jen McNeely)

We went into TIFF feeling like a groomed and glowing Jessica Simpson and came out looking like Mickey Rourke after a bender. What begins with clinking glasses of Moët and bumping hips with George Clooney at a Bridle Path mansion descends into glamorous gluttony: Dolce and Gabbana swag littered in a pile of dirty laundry, espresso stains, broken pumps and scattered taxi receipts. We are now ready to trade in stalking Oprah Winfrey for life in the country with a pint-sized pony and some Cookstown greens. It was swell drinking Grey Goose martinis with Clive Owen and hobnobbing with boldface names, complaining to coiffed socialites that our party schedule was maxxed out, but we now find ourselves yearning to float down from the elevated eclipse of seductive fantasy and find solace in googling how to start a hobby farm. Nikki Beach? No thanks; we are dreaming of greeting a Kincardine sunrise with a bowl of oats. Call us extremists, but as TIFF comes to a close, the last thing we want is a free cocktail and cured meat. Just give us a stack of hay to lie in, far away from Yorkville. If we can’t have that, then we’ll settle for an oxygen facial and an afternoon at Body Blitz. That should carry us through until next September, when we’ll be ready to do it all over again.

The after party for The Men Who Stare at Goats. Not many people can say they were at a house party on the Bridle Path with George Clooney and Jeff Bridges.

TIFF is toast for 2009, so we asked our team of writers and photographers report back on the best and worst, the scary and the sublime, the hot and the lame of this year’s festival. Here are their harrowing responses.

(Images from Flickr.com are greatly appreciated and used under the Creative Commons license found here.)

CRACKS: Miss Jean Brodie meets Lord of the Flies
Eva Green talks about her complex character in new female-centered film, Cracks.

COOKING WITH STELLA: Sure to make you hungry
Dilip Mehta and Deepa Mehta bring their latest film to to premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival.

CAPITALISM: Michael Moore’s latest documentary
Michael Moore brings his latest documentary to the audience of the Toronto International Film Festival.

CAIRO TIME: The new city of romance
Ruba Nadda explains to the Joan Kelly that the director of Cairo Time is what drew him to the project.

BEAUTIFUL KATE: Past secrets are confronted
Dynamic duo Bryan Brown and Rachel Ward sit down to discuss Rachel Ward’s directorial debut.

L’AFFAIRE FAREWELL
The French intelligence service alerts the U.S. about a Soviet spy operation during the height of the Cold War.

HARRY BROWN: Injustice meets an iron fist
We sit down with Emily Mortimer to discuss her role as an upright police officer in Harry Brown.

Go west: Jack and Meg White head to The Beaconsfield to celebrate the documentary White Stripes Under the Great White Northern Lights (Photo by James Helmer)

Not only do they dress in the colours of our flag, but the Detroit duo Jack and Meg White of The White Stripes has done what few Canadian bands have ever done: they toured every province and territory (including a show in Iqaluit). A documentary film crew followed them across Canada; on Friday, the elusive ex-husband and -wife were at the Toronto International Film Festival to screen and celebrate the resulting movie, The White Stripes Under the Great White Northern Lights. Note to all high school geography teachers looking for cool cred: this film is a cross-country journey that offers some original perspectives on Canada. If theatrically released, this would be just about the best class trip ever.

Way too cool for Yorkville, the Stripes had their after party in West Queen West. Typically overflowing with awesome haircuts and messy drunks seeking one-night stands, The Beaconsfield patio was shrouded by cedars and the front windows were whited out, preventing hipsters from leering in from the sidewalk. The guest list was kept tidy at 70 people, but not even a seven-nation army would hold us back from whooping it up with our favourite band.

Barflies described the evening as “tame” and “chill” and said that “nothing got out of hand”—that is until we showed up and started dancing circles around K-os. Unfortunately, Jack and Meg had already left by that point. Jack reportedly spent most of the night hanging with his mom, and Meg was her usual modest self. Among their entourage was sexy Adrian Grenier, who is not only a lead actor in Entourage but is also one of the founding fathers of Brooklyn cool. “I was in Williamsburg before Williamsburg was Williamsburg,” he said.

Don McKellar misses Bette Midler (Photo by Karon Liu)

Don McKellar is out to find romance on a modern day cellphone—and if that means being shady in a hotel room, so be it. This is the basic concept of Imaginary Lovers, an art installation consisting of four monitors showing films that McKellar has directed as part of TIFF’s Future Projections series. McKellar also kicked off the festival as a governor for the Talent Lab, had a role in Leslie, My Name Is Evil (the trippy Christian murder film) and starred in Dilip Mehta’s gala premiere, Cooking With Stella. Really, Don, next year you need to step it up.

Considering McKellar’s schedule is so barren, we thought we’d sit down with him and discuss loneliness and love—the themes that intertwine in his voyeuristic videos, most of which feature women of the world professing their love via grainy cellphones.

TIFF.TO: When are you loneliest?
MCKELLAR: When I go to L.A. I’m almost lonely within an hour of arriving. The fact that everyone is in the film industry makes me feel lonely.
TIFF.TO: Have you ever called a lover to profess your heartfelt emotions?
MCKELLAR: [Offers a mischievous look] I’ve tried to convey my means. Sometimes you can sit in a hotel room and find yourself trying to sound poetic and embarrassingly romantic.
TIFF.TO: How do you get women to feel comfortable sharing their intimate secrets?
MCKELLAR: At first it was sort of awkward. I was in Istanbul and I’d seen this one woman in a Turkish film. I asked to be introduced to her, and then I asked her if she’d like to come up to my hotel room. It sounded very shady.
TIFF.TO: Why can’t we all just be romantic like in Mozart’s time?
MCKELLAR: It’s harder to be distant. Distance is nice.
TIFF.TO: Do men gush their carnal lust on a mobile?
MCKELLAR: It would be a different kind of call.
TIFF.TO: What is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to you during TIFF?
MCKELLAR: Certain parties that I can’t describe for legal reasons.
TIFF.TO: Tell us about the good old days.
MCKELLAR: There used to be hospitality suites, and everyone would go there. Robert De Niro would be there and Bette Midler. Now it’s very hard to party hop.

Jennifer Garner and Julianne Moore opted for green and strapless, Amanda Seyfried chose sequins and Louboutins, and Drew Barrymore and Demi Moore did yellow in two very different ways. See the red carpet outfits these stars (and 26 others) chose for their TIFF galas in the slide show below.

Book bash: Boldface Names, the new novel by Shinan Govani, was celebrated yet again

“Another book launch party?” we asked.
“This is number three—officially,” said the paperback writer in Prada.

Third time’s for the charmed circle, apparently. Gathered in Harbour Sixty’s glittering cellar were publishing magnates and paparazzi magnets, fashion editors and filmmakers, social queen bees and an MTV princess. Somehow, we were there, too, allured and bewildered, suddenly privy to the extraordinary problems of the ruling class.

“I walked in, and the first thing Shinan said to me was, ‘There won’t be enough red!’” said Mary Symons, effervescent patroness to social boozers—she’d donated caseloads from her winery, Thomas George Estates. “And I said, ‘Well, how many people are coming? You told me 40, and what now, 50?’” Her gemmy earrings shook helplessly. We vowed to drink only white. She laughed a generous laugh.

Later, at champagne time, she introduced us to close companions: “Have you met the amazing Bruce?” We nodded at Bruce LaBruce, the hardcore provocateur in a Herzog tee. She meant Bruce Bailey, though. The major art man was lamenting the shopping habits of his 19-year-old daughter. “First she called to tell me she bought Louboutins, for $700, and was that OK? And then she bought a $6,000 Lanvin dress and wanted a $4,000 coat, too. I told her, ‘No, darling, it’s about the mix-and-match. High and low.’ And what kind of 19-year-old wears Lanvin dresses anyway?”

“Are people really staying out until 4 a.m. these days?” wondered Kim Newport-Mimran, the Pink Tartan powerhouse. “I haven’t been out that late in 10 years! Maybe it’s because I work 12 hours more a day than most. Really, I do. It’s crazy.” If her push to make Pink Tartan beloved everywhere is exhausting her, who could tell? Impeccable in a PT pantsuit and black velvety-suede Balmain boots, she was (as ever) her own best advertisement.

Flitting out to the patio, we were caught by Elvis Costello, who confessed his struggles with the TIFF circuit. “I don’t know how to do it,” he rumbled. “I spent two and a half hours lost, looking for the Get Low party the other night. There were six parties in a two-block radius on King Street. Too much.” When he lit up a cigar, we couldn’t help but be taken aback.

“That’s huge!” we said.
“No,” he replied. “I’m just happy to see you.”

The Saturday premiere of The Young Victoria was the last chance for autograph seekers and stargazers. We snapped shots of producer Sarah Ferguson, duchess of York, and her daughters,  Eugenie and Beatrice. (We assume royalty isn’t supposed to give autographs since all they did was smile and wave.) But stars Emily Blunt and Rupert Friend (Keira Knightley’s current flame) posed for pics and signed autographs for the entire line while publicists tugged them toward the red carpet.

To see all the photos, view the slide show below.