The best and worst of TIFF 2009 Best demonstration of irony

Without a doubt, George Clooney, for having a bottomless pit of facial expressions, headline-worthy quotes and spending 20 minutes signing autographs for the entire line of fans.

Eating smoked meat and kosher pickles with the dudes from Schwartz’s Deli. For The Trotsky after party at Pravda, Alliance Films flew in the Montreal meatheads, put them up at the Royal York, and paid them to feed a CanCon crowd with real-size sammies. Through full stomachs, our hearts were won.

A glass castle on the Bridle Path, enormous and cubist, like something out of a Bret Easton Ellis novel. (People in glass houses probably shouldn’t throw parties, but we’re glad they do.)

Getting chastised by a security guard for walking on the Duchess of York’s dress train at the InStyle party (although this moment would have been amazing had we not noticed and she kept walking).

Hearing a group of middle-aged male photographers sing Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” while waiting outside the press conference room.

“So, you’re an actress?”, generally followed by a shocked, “No? Really?” when we shook our heads. Look, we can tell by your loafers that you’re from out of town, but come on—we’re holding a press pass, eating majorly caloric pastries, and carrying our own not-it bag. Nothing about this screams “movie starlet.” Kristin Booth is probably here somewhere, so please move on.

The Grey Goose martini we sipped alongside Clive Owen while sitting on a TTC subway car in the secret Bay station.

We had a hunch that Drew Barrymore would turn up at Sweaty Betty’s, as she has in the past, and we were right. We got there in time to see her behind the bar of our local watering hole, swigging beer in an Alexander McQueen gown.

How to tell a celebrity’s non-famous date to get out of a shot without being rude. This is what happened during Colin Farrell’s now-infamous red carpet debacle. A bunch of photographers wanted a solo shot of the brooding Irishman, so they all yelled at his date to get out of the shot during the frenzy. Farrell took offence because his date was his sister. Pictured is a clear shot of Paula Patton, snapped after Alan Thicke’s son stepped out of the way.

Colin Farrell for saying “cheers” to every reporter at the Ondine press conference after a photo of him grabbing a photographer made the front page of The Sun.

Tyler Perry, who made a beeline for the red carpet at the Precious premiere and didn’t even look at the fans.

Nikki Beach. It was supposed to be a huge deal, attracting all kinds of celebs, but turned out to be packed with rather horny, smashed girls from Thornhill.

Being one of the few photographers who snapped a photo, albeit a slightly blurry one, of Robert DeNiro at the Precious premiere.

Michael Cera’s shyness pays his bills, but his one-word answers do nothing for reporters.

The barrage of camera shutters at press conferences. They peak whenever a celebrity smiles or talks with their hands.

“Oprah, we are all so grateful to you for helping the children in Africa. I was born in Kiev, Ukraine [pictured], and not many people know that there are 200 orphanages there and over 100,000 orphans. I just want to know if anybody reached out to you or approached you to help out the country.”

A tie between Edward Norton’s and Oprah Winfrey’s. In both cases, the barricades we were standing behind started to lean forward as the celebs walked past. It took two security guards to push everyone back.

Waiting two and a half hours for Megan Fox outside Cheval. She didn’t show up.

A woman on the 501 streetcar gushing about how one time, she waved to Carla Collins outside the Hazelton and Carla Collins waved back! Because “stars are just normal people, you know?”

Falling asleep on the sidewalk while waiting for Natalie Portman. For 10 minutes, we slept on the street.

The fans sang “Smelly Cat” in hopes of luring Lisa Kudrow back to the barricades at the premiere of Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. It didn’t work.

The men’s bathroom on the second floor of the Sutton Place Hotel; we saw director Atom Egoyan exiting, adjusting his belt.

It’s a tie, and both involve Drew Barrymore (although neither was her fault). The first was at the Whip It press conference, when a reporter asked how her family felt about roller derby (Barrymore famously filed for emancipation at the age of 15). The second was a question about Patrick Swayze’s passing; the actor didn’t know about Swayze’s death until that moment.

A journalist from a certain national news network asking Eva Avila to take a photo with him on the red carpet.

The Axe body spray haze at Tryst during the PETA fashion party.

Natalie Portman saying TIFF is more about the films than celebrities as a wall of photographers snapped away at her.

Surprisingly, not the hangover. The biggest ache was in our feet after 10 days of standing and partying.

“Do you have anything to say about the death of Patrick Swayze?”

Notorious paparazzi hater and fame eschewer Edward Norton at the premiere of Leaves of Grass at Ryerson, where he proceeded down the entire line of fans with a big, unforced smile and posed for a lot of photos.

The after party for The Men Who Stare at Goats. Not many people can say they were at a house party on the Bridle Path with George Clooney and Jeff Bridges.

Oprah Winfrey for giving perfectly packaged quotes and knowing how to pose for cameras. Also, people clapped every time she said something at the press conference.

Grovelling to kitchen staff by the back door vents of the Windsor Arms and basically begging them to sneak us into the InStyle party through the garbage room.

Jessica Paré. Lips of velvet.

Remington’s, the infamous gay male strip club on Yonge Street, holds the same party every year at the same time. Sure, it takes place during TIFF and is full of TIFF-goers, but they are in no way connected.

Toronto Life

The best and worst of TIFF 2009