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Dear Urban Diplomat,
I was working late recently and skipped dinner, so I thought it would be okay to take a box of Cheerios from the food bank box in the lobby (and replace it the next day, of course). Well, someone must have seen me, because word soon circulated that I stole from the hungry. My reputation has been ruined over toasted oats! How can I repair it?
—Caught Snacking, RICHMOND HILL
Those not familiar with Funnyordie.com’s Drunk History videos have a lot of catching up to do, but a good place to start is the most recent Christmas edition featuring Ryan Gosling, Eva Mendes and Jim Carrey (as Santa). Comedian and writer Allan McLeod retells “A Visit from St. Nicholas” after downing a bottle of whisky (we don’t endorse this behaviour, obviously—have one glass, maybe two), and the Almighty Goz wears a night cap and lies in bed with his is-she-or-isn’t-she girlfriend Mendes. It’s enough to make us laugh (but we understand if the sight of not being Goz’s bed companion makes you a little jealous. It could have been you).
Do you have $1,999 to spare? That’s the highest price we’ve seen for a single front-row ticket on eBay for Justin Bieber’s Christmas concert at Massey Hall on December 21. Tickets for the show went on sale Sunday and sold out in 30 minutes; that means young boys and girls were armed with a parent’s credit card in front of their computers, but not everyone was rewarded for their time with a golden ticket. All proceeds from the concert will be going to the Biebz’s Believe charity, and the concert will be taped live for his upcoming Home for the Holidays TV special. Unfortunately, the $1,999 that a lonely person pays for a single front-row ticket will go toward lining the pockets of some sleazeball. Buyer beware.
Home for the Holidays airs Friday, December 23 at 1 p.m. (CTV), 5 p.m. and 8 p.m. (MuchMusic); Saturday, December 24 at 5:30 p.m. (CTV), 10 p.m. and 1 a.m. (MuchMusic); Saturday, December 25 at 6:30 p.m. (CTV) and 9 p.m. (MuchMusic); Monday, December 26 at 4 p.m. and 11 p.m. (MuchMusic); Tuesday, December 27 at 8 a.m. (MuchMusic); Sunday, January 1 at 8 p.m. (MuchMusic); and Tuesday, January 3 at 4 p.m. (MuchMusic).
Bannock’s holiday tourtière
This time of year, it takes a strong will not to indulge, whether it be in the beautiful pastries and cakes spilling out of patisserie windows or the drinks at a holiday party. We say, why even try? We’ve rounded up some of our favourites, along with a few other gifts that your food-obsessed friends are sure to love (including one salve for those who’ve indulged just a little too much).
After what seems like a million pages (it’s actually 310), Conrad Black has finally been indicted. Boosted by testimony from David Radler (whom Black calls “the nasty gnome from Chicago”), the U.S. government is seeking a 95-year prison sentence. Plot-wise, we expected things to pick up around now—but instead Black just returns to his favourite topics: being poor, being persecuted by the media, and being friends with Elton John.
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A Spanish Christmas Don’t expect mariachi: the Toronto Consort specializes in music from the Middle Ages, the Renaissance and the early baroque period. Find out more »
Chris Tarry Group Chris Tarry has no respect for boundaries. Not only is this electric bass player the winner of three Juno Awards, he’s also a short story writer who was shortlisted for Ireland’s Fish Short Story Prize. Find out more »
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Typically when we think of toy animals, we think of the soft plush items of our youth that we can brush against our face. Then we found Hattie the Elephant ($140), who could easily bring joy to a curious child or sit on top of a desk as a quirky focal point. Click on to check out 19 other kid-friendly treasures »
Available at Kol Kid (647 Queen St. W., 416-684-0368).
Handmade toys from Blythe for the tots on your list (Image: Caroline Aksich)
The folks behind the second annual Toronto Christmas Market are trying to bring a touch of Old World European Christmas magic to a presently dreary—and snow-free—Toronto. With a 45-foot Christmas tree decked out with close to 20,000 lights, a charming carousel and a Ferris wheel that looks over the twinkling Distillery District, there’s enough to keep the kids occupied while you get some shopping out of the way. The Christmas Market is open daily until December 18 (weekdays from 12 p.m. to 9 p.m., weekends from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.). We perused the 35 vendors’ wares to cull the treasures from the knick-knacks. See what made the cut after the jump.
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The Weekender: Slow Food Toronto, DJ Skate Night and Memphis
1. DJ SKATE NIGHT (FREE!)
We’re more into huddling by a fire with hot chocolate than actually skating (is there such a thing as après-skate? Because that would be more our speed), but even we’re excited to take a spin around the Harbourfront Centre’s lakeside rink to the sounds of Rihanna, Drake and Jully Black, thanks to DJs from Flow 93.5. If “We Found Love” isn’t really your jam, never fear: upcoming nights will focus on house, funk and reggae. Saturdays, Dec. 10 to Feb. 18 (except Christmas and New Year’s Eve). Harbourfront Centre, 235 Queens Quay W., 416-973-4000, harbourfrontcentre.com.
2. MEMPHIS Read the rest of this entry »
The ’50s may not have the same progressive history as the ’60s, but they had their share of cultural milestones: from technological (hello, Sputnik) to cultural (hello, Elvis Presley). This Tony-winning musical, set in Memphis, Tennessee, follows a white radio DJ and a black club singer who are caught up in the evolving rock ’n’ roll music scene—and each other. To Dec. 24. $51–$180. Toronto Centre for the Arts, 5040 Yonge St., 416-644-3665, dancaptickets.com.
The first thing you should know about “A Bitchin’ Christmas,” the new single from Bitchin’ Kitchen’s Nadia G., is that it’s for a good cause: proceeds from the iTunes sales apparently go to Meals on Wheels, a worthy recipient if ever there was one. The second thing you should know is that it features guest raps from Ace of Cakes’ Duff Goldman, the Epic Meal Time crew and other demi-celebs from the weird and wonderful margins of food stardom. And the third thing? Red spandex. Lots and lots of red spandex. We’re not sure exactly who signed off on this, but there you go.
Justin Bieber is milking his success by coming out with a holiday album, which is a smart business decision, but absolutely grating for anyone who isn’t a young child or a strange adult. On the off-chance that you weren’t shivering outside of the Today Show yesterday, like thousands of insane Beliebers, here’s a look at his morning holiday concert, with special appearances from Usher, purple hoodies, purple fingerless gloves and a healthy smattering of mothers of Bieb fanboys and girls (or, perhaps, just older women who feel a connection with the Biebz—we don’t discriminate).
The Weekender: Idina Menzel, The Addams Family and The Santa Claus Parade
1. THE SANTA CLAUS PARADE (FREE!)
This is the one Sunday in the whole year when otherwise adamant proponents of sleeping-in rise with the sun to stake their claim on the perfect patch of pavement, all to make sure they have the best view of this gleefully over-the-top extravaganza. Expect floats, bands, costumed merrymakers and copious candy canes. ‘Tis the season for sugar highs to be jolly, after all. November 20. Bloor to University, University to Wellington, Wellington to the St. Lawrence Market, thesantaclausparade.com.
2. IDINA MENZEL
As fans of Rent, Wicked and even (sometimes) Glee, we’re exactly the target audience for this two-nights-only concert. Idina Menzel belts out her own songs and some Broadway hits, accompanied by the Kitchener-Waterloo Symphony. It might even be our big break, since the shows will be filmed for a PBS special, which means our hysterical cheering will definitely be on public access television, right? November 17 and 18. $49–$125. Koerner Hall, The Royal Conservatory, 273 Bloor St. W., 416-408-0208, rcmusic.ca.
In case his recently released holiday album Under the Mistletoe didn’t do enough to pollute holiday classics, Justin Bieber has just posted a video to his YouTube channel that appears to be based on the classic stop-motion TV classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. In turns Dickensian, creepy and saccharine, the Biebz’s music video for “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” goes into cute overload around the two-minute mark, just before a few grey-tinged children explode with joy after opening gifts worth .00000000000000000000000001 per cent of Bieber’s net worth. Also, there’s a penguin for some reason and a very thin portrayal of Santa Claus (if you don’t believe us, watch).
It may only be Halloween, but we’re getting in the holiday spirit a little early this year thanks to the just-leaked Justin Bieber Christmas album. First, a word of warning to hard-core Bieber fans: the Stratford-born singer sounds a little bit different on this record. Let’s put it this way: on “Fa La La,” a track featuring Boyz II Men, Bieber’s signature high-pitched whine is nowhere to be heard, making it difficult to differentiate vocally between the teen and the over 30 contingent accompanying him. It makes sense that Bieber sounds different this year—he turned 17 back in March, which means he’s almost made it through puberty. Or, as his manager Scott Braun put it, “Vocally, his balls have dropped.” His words, not ours. On top of debuting his new vocal range, Bieber has managed to secure a few impressive collaborations on the album, including a version of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” featuring the diva herself. Our favourite, however, has to be Busta Rhymes and Biebs double-teaming “The Little Drummer Boy.”
Now you’re a successful rehab therapist, but 10 years ago, you were working on Bay Street, hooked on booze and crack. How bad did things get?
I had a few seizures. I would collapse to my knees and crawl to my couch. Finally, I drove over to my parents’ place. My mom opened the door and I burst into tears. She asked, “Who died?” and I looked at her and said, “Me.”
Do you think they suspected all along?
They never knew the extent of it, but they knew something was wrong. I remember one year having a bunch of great ideas for what to get them for Christmas. Then all of a sudden it was Christmas Eve, and I hadn’t gotten them anything. So I cut out pictures from magazines and gave them as IOUs. I wanted to get my dad a putter, but I couldn’t even find a picture of a putter. God. I can still see the pencil drawing I made. You want to talk about shame? But you know what? Now I get my Christmas shopping done in October!
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