The Bachelor Canada recap, episode 7: a different kind of rose ceremony

Dear Brad,

Tonight you finally had to face the firing squad during the Women Tell All episode and, as usual, you handled it like the good Canadian boy you are. We can’t wait until next week, when you make the choice that will affect the rest of your life (or at least the current dating season). A few words on that below, but first, since we have watched you bestow roses on your chosen chiquitas for the past six weeks, we figure it’s our turn. 

The “Villain we wish we’d seen more of” rose goes to…Tia

Clearly, this girl has a lot more evil in her than we viewers were ever led to believe. Lying, manipulating and sticking it to the other girls—where was Tia when Gabby needed backup in the assault against Whitney?

The “Get thee to a dictionary” rose goes to…Gabby

We were always so focused on her luscious mane that we never realized Little Miss Tell It Like It Is doesn’t come across as all that smart. Not that we ever pegged her as a brain surgeon, but a 20-something woman who doesn’t know what “ravishing” means??? And yes, Gabby, Mother Teresa was a nun. Maybe check out an encyclopedia while you’re at it.

The “Brad, who?” rose goes to…Kara

We are pretty convinced that Kara has already inked a deal to be the first Canadian Bachelorette, which would explain why she seemed to be soooo over Brad, to the point where she was even rewriting history and claiming it was always more of a “friends” thing on her side too.

The “Can we talk more about my being a virgin?” rose goes to…Ana—no, wait, Melissa Marie 

Ha, just kidding! Obviously this blossom could only go to Chantal, who is as bubbly as ever and would be a stellar candidate if the franchise ever wanted to corner the God-fearing market. Religious reality shows are super hot right now (see Breaking Amish).

The “Oh my God, you did not just ask that” rose goes to…host Tyler Harcott

Sometimes the questions everybody wants answered are the hardest ones to ask, and so with that in mind, we salute Tyler for having the guts to ask exactly how many of the Bachelorettes have had some help in the cleavage department. Offensive? Maybe a little, but also enlightening…and disturbing. Based on Bach Can figures, about one in three adult women has had a boob job.

Okay, Brad: as promised, we will end with a thought regarding next week’s big decision, which occurred to us while watching the bloopers. We loved the outtake where you and Bianka are laughing your butts off over something stupid, and couldn’t help but think that you will probably never laugh like that with Whitney. Sure, she’s intense and mysterious and has knockers that qualify as WMDs (What? We’re allowed to talk about boobs now), but if you want to have fun in life, she is not your girl. #teambianka

 —xx Your Fair Love Mothers