Rumours of kids getting hopped up on antibacterial gel recently stoked a mini–media storm. Thankfully, the TDSB hasn’t received any reports of sanitizer sipping. However, it’s not an unwarranted concern. According to the laws of duh, if it has alcohol in it, teens will imbibe it—why bother raiding the liquor cabinet when a swig of 120-proof “booze ooze,” as the kids are calling it, will get the job done quicker? One good reason is the vile taste. Purell, the TDSB’s brand of choice, contains a bittering agent to make it unpalatable—imagine a dish soap and vodka cocktail (with a twist if it’s lemon scented). But teens rarely let flavour get in the way of some good, er, clean fun. To prevent furtive nipping, the TDSB distributes bottles no bigger than 350 millilitres and recommends teachers keep them at their desks. Still, it doesn’t take much to get soused—a disconcerting notion, given that the stuff has become as ubiquitous as pompoms at a pep rally.
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Urban Decoder
I heard that kids are getting drunk on hand sanitizer at school? Is it true, and if so, what’s the TDSB doing about it?
Urban Decoder
What’s going to happen to all the marble once it’s removed from First Canadian Place? Is there any chance I could buy some of it?
(Photo by Steve Russell/Toronto Star)
It’s true, Toronto’s tallest office tower will soon be rid of 6,000-odd tons of Carrara marble, to be replaced by glass panels. The main reason for the $100‑million-plus facelift is safety. In 2007, a 300-pound chunk plummeted from the tower’s 60th storey onto the roof of the third-floor mezzanine. Hazards aside, 35 winters have turned the once snow white stone the colour of slush.
If you’re still keen to own a part of the city’s architectural past, Brookfield Properties, the building manager, hopes to make some of it available to the public for free in the spring. The rest of it will be recycled, crushed into rooftop ballast (a heavy layer that secures roof insulation) or donated to a local art group.
• Question from Maury Neufeld, Mississauga
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Urban Decoder
What’s the story with the tiger made of Christmas lights at Christie and Bloor?
Have a roaring winter (Photo by Damien D.)
A massive illuminated tiger doesn’t scream “deck the halls” quite like an inflatable Frosty or a nativity scene, but sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the usual holiday suspects. Although the tiger has nothing to do with the birth of Christ, the Korea Town Business Improvement Area lights him up every winter to symbolize, according to Korean mythology, well-being and prosperity. The organization commissioned Baekho, the 17-by-8.5-foot jungle cat, to mark the advent of a neighbourhood rejuvenation project back in 2005. Since then, the BIA has done much to upgrade the area, though none of its other initiatives—sidewalk beautification, improved garbage collection—exude the in-your-faceness of Baekho. He’s made out of more than 1,300 pounds of aluminum and 22,000 orange and white LED bulbs. Should he spark ambitions (à la Clark Griswold) of one-upping your neighbours’ light-up lawn trinketry, be warned: Baekho came with a $50,000 price tag and costs $7,000 annually to maintain and store.
• Question from Carl Mann of Little Italy
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Urban Decoder
What is the purpose of those multicoloured statues in the CityPlace park?
(Photo by Caitlan Durlack)
The sculptures are one set of several installations commissioned by Concord Adex for its new CityPlace green space. The mammoth condo developer spent $9 million on the park, making it the largest privately funded public art exhibit in Canadian history. For the task, the firm chose Douglas Coupland, the author of Generation X and an infamous lover of Lego, Canadiana and all things pop. With the west coast in mind, he designed giant replicas of the bobbers used by fishermen. In summer, water burbles up from the cement between them—perhaps a simulation of the Pacific Ocean. Also adding to the true north ambience is a cartoonish red canoe overlooking the Gardiner, and the Terry Fox Miracle Mile, a running and walking track encircling the park that’s punctuated with poster-sized pictures of our national hero. As for the exact purpose of the bobbers, well that’s liable to provoke heated debate among observers. Marxists might say it alludes to the role of fishermen in feeding the bourgeois inhabitants of the surrounding condos; patriots would probably argue it stimulates public dialogue on Canadian identity; and aesthetes would say it’s art for art’s sake. But the most practical interpretation is likely to come from toddlers, for whom it’s the city’s coolest new splash pad.
• Question from Margie Doverson of Scarborough
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Urban Decoder
Will Canada be offering the same H1N1-combatting nasal spray they have in the States? It seems preferable to a shot.
The spray you’re referring to is widely distributed in the United States (more than 5.5 million doses had been sent out by mid-October). But, like over-the-counter AK‑47s and In-N-Out Burgers, you can only get it south of the 49th. Before you sigh audibly, the flu mist has its downsides: it’s FDA-approved only for people aged two to 49, and it’s not recommended for pregnant women or anyone afflicted with such conditions as asthma, diabetes and lung disease. Given the recent CDC report that indicated more than half of severe swine sufferers were patients with pre-existing ailments, it looks like those who need protection most would be SOL if they wanted to take it up the snout. A needle prick is certainly more painful than a nasal spray, but it’s still the best way to ensure a swine-free citizenry.
• Question from Bobby Colangelo in Woodbridge
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Urban Decoder
Last year, I could have sworn I smelled liquor on the breath of a mall Santa. Do they pull these guys off the street?
(Photo from Veer)
If an encounter with a St. Nick who’s been dipping into the Christmas cheer is not the kind of memory you’re looking for, you’re not alone: an informal poll suggests smelly and grumpy Santas have tarnished the season for Toronto tykes over the years. How such social rejects manage to make it into the esteemed red and white uniform is a mystery to David Blow, the sales director at Fotonow, a company that supplies Santas to Yorkdale, Fairview Mall, Shoppers World and Bramalea City Centre. In his seven years on the job, he says, the nice Santa experiences have far outweighed the naughty: “Most of our guys have been with us for a long time. They care a lot about their work. The best ones really channel Santa.” Blow has only once been forced to cut a Claus loose, and that was because the man was too shy, not too schlitzed. The Kris Kringle pool (most regulars are 60-something retirees) is pretty tight. “For the past several years, all of our hires have come through referrals,” Blow says. For those considering a jolly career change, candidates must produce a clean police check. A natural beard is a plus (it also increases the pay scale, which ranges from $15 to $50 an hour), though fake whiskers are acceptable. As for Santa’s trademark bowlful-of-jelly belly, in men over 60, an ample paunch and rosy cheeks can indicate health issues, so svelte is fine, as long as you can support two sugar-jacked whipper-snappers on your lap at one time.
• Question from Daisy Gardener in The Beach
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Urban Decoder
I read that Ontario has a surplus of pigs. Can I adopt one as a pet?
Interest in pigs as pets surged recently when a crate of orphaned oinkers was dropped at Dalton McGuinty’s office, along with a sign reading “Due to misnaming an influenza ‘Swine Flu,’ our industry has been devastated…” The anonymous piglet abandoner is referring to record losses recently experienced by Ontario’s 2,767 hog farmers. A year ago, pork was the mainstay of every bistro worth its fleur de sel, but H1N1 has curbed our appetite for all things swiney. Unfortunately, city dwellers are barred from taking in the little trotters. Back in the mid-’90s, pigs were the pet par excellence, thanks in part to George Clooney and his pot-bellied companion (RIP Max Clooney, 1988–2006). Yet many Clooney wannabes didn’t account for the fact that their chihuahua-size friend would grow to exceed 150 pounds, relentlessly uproot lawns and pee more often than a kid on a road trip. The rejected pets ended up on foster farms, and in 1998 Toronto’s newly amalgamated Animal Services put the kibosh on domesticated porkers (also banned: anteaters, elephants and mongooses). If a Wilbur to call your own is still too much to resist, it could be time to consider greener pastures. Persons living in any of Toronto’s designated agricultural areas (Riverdale Farm, for example) are free to go hog wild.
• Question from Dave Kimball, Yorkdale
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Urban Decoder
I was in Montreal recently and used the city’s bike sharing program. Please tell me Toronto is getting something similar.
For the uninitiated, Montreal’s excellent bike share program, which kicked into high gear this year, is called Bixi. It’s a municipal public transit service, invented in Quebec, that links 400 solar-powered rental stations and an armada of 5,000 two-wheelers. By swiping a credit card, riders can un-dock a bike at point A and re-dock at point B, with an interactive map of docking stations accessible by cellphone. The first half-hour of freewheeling is free for subscribers (more non-committal cyclists pay a $5 access fee), followed by a charge of $1.50 for the next half-hour, $3 for the next and so on. And unlike the infamous single-speed yellow beaters from Toronto’s previous bike share experiment, Bixi’s sturdy aluminum cycles are designed for heavy urban use. The operation is gaining traction among pedal-positive municipal planners globally: this summer, the people from Bixi snagged contracts with Boston and London (England). As for Toronto, if all goes as planned, we’ll be whistling Bixi by May, with full implementation downtown by summer 2010. Current plans call for approximately 3,000 bikes and 450 docking stations, with monthly subscriptions around $28. The city is also looking at selling ad space to defray a hefty $15-million startup cost, rather than shifting the cost onto taxpayers, which ought to reduce fuming on multiple fronts.
• Question from Elise Alexander, St. Clair West
Urban Decoder
My neighbours host parties every weekend and blare music all night. What can I do to stop the racket permanently?
If earplugs and the 5-0 have failed to silence the Ibizathons next door, you can sue the boisterous bastards. Sort of. Because noise is regulated by a municipal bylaw, it’s the city (rather than the police) that can really give your neighbours the what-for—a slow, bureaucratic, moderately effective what-for. Complaints can be filed with the district office. An inspector will open a formal investigation and issue a written notification to the offender by mail. Should that be ignored, you’ll be asked to complete a noise log (e.g., “10/09/09. 3:05 a.m. Hyena-like laughter. ‘Groove Is in the Heart’ on repeat.”). You’ll then have to face your noisy nemeses in court, which pretty much guarantees sidewalk awkwardness on garbage day. The whole process takes about a year, and the typically puny fines (often as little as $100) may not be worth the trouble. Vigilante vengeance may have to compensate for both peace and justice. In the spirit of John Cusack and the U.S. invasion of Panama, the strategic use of some boom box Yanni can send a very strong message.
• Question from Toby Shaw, Beaconsfield
Urban Decoder
What’s the deal with David Miller’s incredible shrinking waistline?
The secret to Miller’s recent deplumpage is a largely vegetarian diet that basically excludes everything fun and fattening. Like Bill Clinton, who famously gave up Big Macs, Miller was a fast-food junkie. Quarter Pounders with cheese, he says, got him through the 2003 election—and left him pushing 250 pounds. Since then, he’s cut out his daily McD’s fix. In fact, he’s cut out all unhealthy fats and refined sugars. The relentless wine and cheese affairs that come with being mayor require steely willpower, but he resists the call of the canapé by filling up on five protein-rich meals a day (a typical weekday lunch might include chickpea-lentil casserole, plus a handful of almonds). He also now works with a trainer twice a week and runs an average of 12 kilometres three or four times a week. Lately, instead of food, he’s been devouring running books in preparation for a half-marathon on September 27. All told, our lean, mean mayoral machine has shed more than 50 pounds. No doubt a Miller Lite campaign slogan is in the works for 2010, though it’s probably safe to assume “Everything you want in a mayor, and less” won’t make the cut.
• Question from Angie Stephanopoulos, Riverdale
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