Preville on Politics
Toronto: A nice place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit
Posted on May 15, 2008 by Philip Preville
Excuse me, are you a tourist? Yes? Okay, then: Hi! My name is Toronto, and welcome to my city! We’ve Been Expecting You!™ Do you like my new slogan? Really? Because it’s important to me that you are Somewhat Satisfied, Satisfied or Very Satisfied with your visit, and I will be asking you about that before you leave. Want to know something funny? The new slogan isn’t new at all! It’s actually a retread of an old ’70s jingle for a hotel chain. It went like this: “We’ll be ex-PECK-ting YOUUUUUUU!” Nice, eh? Anyway, here’s your welcome candle. Let me show you around. No! Really! I insist. I’ve shunted the kids into the backyard, just like Tourism Toronto CEO David Whitaker told me to do. Let’s go.
Did you know Toronto is a city of neighbourhoods? That means there’s lots of places with homes where you can walk and look at the homes. Oh, you so do NOT have that in New York City! New York has boroughs, not neighbourhoods. It’s totally different. My neighbourhoods have their own unique shops and restaurants, like the Fox & Firkin or the Friar & Firkin or the Gull & Firkin. Cool, eh? See these homes here, around Chinatown? They’re not much to look at, but they have a riveting history. They were going to tear them down to build an expressway, except they didn’t! Neighbourhoods are one of the reasons Jane Jacobs called me North America’s greatest city. Who’s Jane Jacobs!? Oooooo-kaaaaay. You’re going to be a challenge, aren’t you?
This is Yonge-Dundas Square™. Actually it’s not a square; it’s an irregular polygon, just like Times Square in New York City. But it’s totally not like Times Square. It’s cleaner. And emptier. That’s a Sears there behind all that cleavage. It used to be an Eaton’s. Timothy Eaton was the greatest retailer in Canadian history. His company went bankrupt a long time ago. His stores were exactly like Sears, except that people from Rosedale would have been totally happy to be caught dead in Eaton’s. What’s Rosedale? It’s another neighbourhood! They have the nicest liquor store ever. Let’s go! No? Why not? Oh, what do you want to see the CN Tower for? It’s so touristy. And it’s not even the tallest building in the world anymore. It would be better if we visited one of my beautiful river valleys, but I don’t know where they are. Did you know Toronto is the greenest city in North America? Or at least we want it to be. Can’t you tell?
What? You want tickets to see a show? Oh, they kind of suck these days. Even those creepy guys in blue face paint are gone. They were anti-union. But you can see a riveting high-society show trial of former impresarios for free. Everyone’s talking about it. Wait! Leaving so soon? Can I ask if you were Somewhat Satisfied, Satis— You’ve got a plane to catch? There’s no subway link to the airport, but it’s a quick drive. Good luck with the traffic on the 401! Where are you going, anyway? The Rockies? Wow, that’s far. But you’ll come back, right? As my slogan says, “We’ll be ex-PECK-ting YOUUUUUUUU!” Don’t keep me waiting too long.
Philip Preville
Veteran freelance writer Philip Preville lived much of his life in Montreal and Edmonton before he was lured, like so many Torontonians before him, by the promise of more work and a better living. A National Magazine Award winner and former Canadian Journalism Fellow at the University of Toronto’s Massey College, Preville writes Toronto Life’s politics column. He lives with his wife and one-year-old son in Riverdale, just close enough to the Don Valley Parkway that he can hear it when he steps outside his house—but just far enough away that it doesn’t keep him awake at night. On his office wall hangs a 1938–39 press pass belonging to his grandfather, Elias Gannon, who wrote for the Montreal Star.
Latest blog entries:
- I have a new home
- Montreal to adopt vacuum waste collection
- Why U.S.-based magazines hit newsstands so late
- I salivate at the prospect of a Miller-Smitherman-Ford cage match
Topics:
Postings by date:
- May, 2008
- April, 2008
- March, 2008
- February, 2008
- January, 2008
- December, 2007
- November, 2007
- October, 2007
- September, 2007
- August, 2007
- July, 2007
- June, 2007
- May, 2007
- April, 2007
- March, 2007
Comments
Neither the author nor Toronto Life necessarily agree with the comments posted below. Editors will not correct spelling or grammar. Toronto Life reserves the right to edit or delete comments entirely. Read our full policy
Charlie May 15, 2008 at 3:21 p.m.
When I read that Whitaker was using 'put the kids in the backyard' as a euphamism for cleaning up the city, my mind immediately jumped to rounding up the homeless for a trip over Niagara Falls.
JM May 17, 2008 at 9:29 a.m.
They keep trying, but continue to fail. Miserably.
http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_7254.as...
http://www.torontounlimited.ca/video.htm...
http://rainfallsoneveryone.com/wp-conten...
And exactly how many sites exist that promote Toronto tourist attractions better than this one managed by the City of Toronto?
http://www.livewithculture.ca/
Toronto citizen of canada May 19, 2008 at 6:39 p.m.
Whitaker was using 'put the kids in the backyard' as a euphamism for cleaning up the city, you say.
If thats the case they better give the children of Toronto as well as all Ontario back their food and basic needs money. Incase you weren't aware as of July 2008 the Ontario Works and ODSP will be no longer giving children money for food. They call it basic needs but what it really is food money for children to eat. Yes thats right your Ontario government and city is going to starve your children!
So, hope to God, you don't lose your job and need to rely on them to help you and your family until you get another one because your children will starve.
Ontario Works and ODSP are lying to people saying that the Provincial government will be giving the food money for your children instead of them to which is a lie when you call them to find out the truth. Then your told The Ontario Child benefit would be covering your children's food money to which that is also a lie. Ontario Child benefit never said they were going to be replacing (giving) the children's food money. So for the Ontario Works and ODSP to just assume and decide to cut off your children's rights to live is immoral. Ontario Works and ODSP, They think only an Adult is human but your children are not. So how is that for a city? Or how is that for a province or country?
Canada so quick to run and help other countries but when it comes to its own Canadian born people of generations who paid taxes to just be told screw you! You mean nothing! Shows how immoral this country really is! Canada Needs to take care of it's own and stop handing out everything our country has to others! As for visiting Toronto HAHAHAHA! that will be a joke! Watch and see the crime rate rise extremely high now that people will resort to anything to ensure their children's survivial to eat food. People will be getting harmed over pocket change, people will be robbed, places will no longer be safe to journey especially in Toronto. And you can all thank your Provincial Government and your City Mayor for all the damage it will cause to everyone. No more just worring about the USA gangs taking over Toronto. Start worring about what your own people are going to do. If your a Tourist I would recommend visiting anywhere else in any other province but Toronto, Ontario.
John Q. Toronto May 20, 2008 at 5:02 p.m.
Well, according to Statistics Canada, Toronto is one of the safest cities in Canada.
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/toronto/story/2...
And if you want a real eye opener you should compare it to the crime rates in the states.
For instance in 2005 in Toronto the murder rate per 100,000 people was 2.0, while in 2006 in New York City it was 7.3, and just over the border in Detroit (murder capital of the states, admittedly) it was 47.3.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_Stat...
I guess if anything it just illustrates how little Canadian media companies care about painting an objective and realistic picture of the situation in Toronto, vs. selling newspapers by preying on people's fears.
It's even worse when you consider all that 'summer of the gun' garbage they ran with a few years ago. By the way they talked you'd think it wasn't safe to go out after dark. Case in point, you can read about the "summer of the gun" itself in this (supposedly reputable) CTV article, where they go on about how "police are bracing themselves for another season of escalating casualties".
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/st...
Bracing themselves for what? 78 homicides in a population of 2.5 million? Detroit, a city of 800,000 (yes, 3 times SMALLER than Toronto) had 414 homicides in 2006.
That's escalating violence. All we have here in Toronto are irresponsible newspaper editors with no sense of persepective, mindlessly parroting on about the presupposed and never questioned 'escalating crime in Toronto'.