Toronto Life: The Trial of Conrad Black: Lines Written on the Imprisonment of Lord Black

Lines Written on the Imprisonment of Lord Black

Posted on January 29, 2008 by Douglas Bell

In the interregnum between Lord Black’s plea to remain free on bail and the government’s response, I thought I might share the following. Last month the British magazine Private Eye published a truly egregious piece of poetry titled “Lines Written on the Imprisonment of Lord Black of Crossharbour.” The poem is attributed to one William Rees-McGonagall—a fake moniker that humorously combines the names of one of Black’s more supportive interlocutors, Baron Rees-Mogg of Hinton Blewitt, and William McGonagall, whose tortured verses caused him to be considered among the worst poets in the English language. The poem is very much offered in that spirit:

Lines Written on the Imprisonment of Lord Black of Crossharbour
By William Rees-McGonagall

’Twas nearly in the year two thousand and right
That Lord Conrad Black learned at last of his fate.
Said Amy the Judge, amidst many loud cheers.
You will go to prison for six and a half years.

The crowd all applauded this draconian sentence
Which was given because Lord Black had shown no sign of repentance.
Only from one person came the sound of hoos—
It was his wife Barbara wearing one of her many pairs of shoes.

So ended the career of the great Canadian tycoon.
Whose mighty empire had come crashing doon.
Said the judge to the errant British Lord,
“You've been found guilty of ‘a most wicked fraud’.”

Who could have foreseen such a tragic end,
To the career of someone who had once been Mrs Thatcher’s friend.
The press baron from Toronto had burst upon the English scene
Where he quickly met everyone, including Her Majesty the Queen.

The great and the good flocked to his lavish receptions,
Quite unaware of their host’s shady financial deceptions.
The world all gasped at his astonishing wealth,
Little realising that he had acquired it by dishonest stealth.

Jewellery, jets and houses—nothing seemed beyond his reach.
Not even a 50-room mansion in Florida’s Palm Beach.
Conrad and Barbara did nothing by half.
They even acquired London’s mighty Daily Telegraph.

Black was now one of the great figures of the age,
Bestriding like a colossus the social and political stage.
Appropriately he moved his papers into Canary Wharf,
A tower so high that the rest of London it did dwarf.

But he needed even more money to pay for his extravagant life,
Not to mention the shopping habits of his extravagant wife.
And so Lord Black became more and more rash
As he helped himself to his shareholders’ cash.

To pay for the furs and the shoes and the Bollinger
He stole from the unsuspecting shareholders of Hollinger.
Until one day these honest US investors began to complain
Saying, “Goddammit, it’s us that’s paying for that guy’s champagne!”

But Lord Black looked down his nose at them with an arrogant sneer,
Saying “You can’t touch me, I’m a British peer.”
Alas, for Lord Black, in his argument there was a flaw
And soon the Chicago cops came knocking at his door.

“We’ve come to give you your comeuppance.
For what you have stolen is considerably more than tuppence.”
And so to cut a long and sorry story short
That’s how Conrad ended up in court.

Right to the end, however, he insisted he had done no wrong,
Which is why his prison sentence turned out to be so long.
And despite the entreaties of Lord Rees-Mogg and Sir Elton John
Behind bars this arrogant fat crook has finally gone.

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Comments

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wave99 January 29, 2008 at 5:42 p.m.

Why do I get this odd and confusing sense of self when I can now pronounce that I am equally bad at Black related poetry ?

Don't answer that.

Rhetorical question.

JONES January 29, 2008 at 9:14 p.m.

If Judge St. Eve denies CB an extension of bail CB can appeal to a U.S. appeals court. Very interesting.

curious January 29, 2008 at 9:27 p.m.

on what grounds?

JONES January 29, 2008 at 10:01 p.m.

curious:
His constitutional rights thats what grounds.

not that curious to be honest January 29, 2008 at 11:04 p.m.

is he part of "we the people" even?

Billy January 29, 2008 at 11:43 p.m.

JONES January 29, 2008 at 9:14 p.m. >>> If Judge St. Eve denies CB an extension of bail CB can appeal to a U.S. appeals court. Very interesting.<<<

Amy gave him three months to get his affairs in order. Then March 3rd is only four months away from his convictions appeal. The dates are then so close, might as well allow him extended bail. Well orchestrated. It's a forgone conclusion he'll get bail extended - Amy doesn't want that appeal.

jab3 January 30, 2008 at 12:10 a.m.

Wish I'd heard about this poem sooner. I'd like to have been able to get a copy of the issue of Private Eye.

Robert January 30, 2008 at 3:28 a.m.

As forcasted by this blogger the hispanic vote in as much as 60 percent in Florida went to Hillary, negating Obsama's assertion that blacks and hispanics are the same.
Ted Kennedy gave the-kiss-of-death to Obsama. Anyone Teddy endorses is a loser. Examples : Kerry, McGovern, Mondale, Carter. Teddy like OJ is searching for the killer of Mary-Joe-Kopechnie and Ms Brown.

Lit 200 January 30, 2008 at 6:58 a.m.

Love the moniker and the doggerel but the poet has his tenses wrong: It's not true to say: "Behind bars this arrogant fat crook has finally gone."

Not yet, Rees-McGonagall, not yet.

Besides, he's not all that fat.

I don't know why this missing-something poem reminds me of the late Mitchell Sharp, once a Finance Minister. He was asked in a news conference: "is this (fall of the C$) the work of those little gnomes in Switzerland?" His evasive reply was: "we don't know how tall the gnomes are in Switzerland."

Vincent January 30, 2008 at 9:50 a.m.

I wonder, in comparison, how much time the trader in Paris who blew up $7b by taking fraudulent and bad positions will get in comparison to Black. It will be interesting to see how the justice system in France compares to the US. My guess; the trader will only get about 2 years. Whatever Black did or didn't do he pissed off people in positions that were above his, when you look at it what Black was convicted on was really small time stuff compared to other corporate fraud cases and clearly the case was quite flimsy, but the system went after him with all their guns. I never minded Black that much, but his wife has always been a terrible person, why a guy with that kind of money couldn't have found a younger less hideous person than Amiel to marry is quite strange.

Foster January 30, 2008 at 11:01 a.m.

The man with the tooppee, John Edwards, to drop out of the election. Now the race-card used by Obsama is going to bring his total demise. Obsama kissed by Teddy Kennedy, is going to see the white-male-vote of Edwards go the Hillary.
Caroline-Kenndey daughter of the failed president, should have listen to her mother Jakie before kissing Obsama. Jakie was the only one in that clan to have had any intelligence.

Marietta January 30, 2008 at 11:11 a.m.

A good day for the lord crossharbots, Gugliani, the man with 45 skeletons in his closet is to endorse McClain today in LA. McClain the 85 year old US bomber of hospitals in Hanoi, to get a boost of this changes. The lord has been seen door-knocking for the McClain-Lieberman ticket in Palm Beach. Eddie is working in getting him a pardon by the US bomber. The lord is so excited , he's been emailing non-stop to donald-the-trump. Donald acknowledge the emails as business and demanded that their cost be paid by the laid-off employee of the Chicago-Sun-Times

Hero January 30, 2008 at 11:17 a.m.

McClain was so happy to win Florida, that he was awake all night planning to bomb Iran with his adviser Lieberman. McClain the "expert" in the middle-east-peace, is planning to pilot the plane carrying the nuclear-bomb to be dropped on the land of the Ayatola. "I'm a war hero" says McClain.

Armand January 30, 2008 at 11:41 a.m.

Sarko, the-Britney-Spears-of-France, has been pestering his people with his devilish-horny-love-affair. Sarko's photos have been plastered on every nook-and-crannie. One of Sarko's photos was used by RyanAir to promote sales. Sarko appears with a horny smile for getting lucky with his lover on the photo. The lord emailed Sarko, and advised him to start a lawsuit and demand $500,000 euros as damages to his image. Eddie was sent to Paris (France) to start the paper-work, and presented his resume at the Elysee as bi-lingual successful attorney. After finding out that Sarko was broke, he visited the Eifel-tower and jumped.

JONES January 30, 2008 at 12:23 p.m.

VINCENT:
That is exactly what Black and his lawyers want people to think...."it was such a small amount in comparison". Does that make him less guilty? No in fact in my opinion CB has been a disgusting creature all his life. A man born into wealth who ....well don't get me started. I loathe the man and I am sure he doesn't even know I exist. Like all scoundrals CB denounced Canada then when it behoves him he wants his citizenship back.

Lit 200 January 30, 2008 at 1:08 p.m.

Agree with Jones that Black has flies. But it's not a question about the amount of the so-called fraud. Everything was above-board in this particular case, nothing was hidden, there was no surreptitious scheme except "Hey! if we take our bonuses as non-competes, we don't have to pay Canadian taxes. Hooray!"

spectator January 30, 2008 at 1:15 p.m.

Witnessing the dumbing down of a blog is not pretty.

spectator 2 January 30, 2008 at 1:26 p.m.

amen - good night irene

JONES January 30, 2008 at 2:32 p.m.

spectators:
Just dont howl when Black serves no time in jail. Don't scream "no justice". Don't come on this blog and complain. I will be here to ridicule your dumb posts.

wave99 January 30, 2008 at 2:55 p.m.

spectator...are you refering to your self portrait ?!

Mr Spec Tator January 30, 2008 at 3:26 p.m.

Is that like looking in a mirror? Refection like? Or do you mean a wonderful piece of art that only great fortunes can possess? If dumbing down is simplicity, why yes I suppose so.